Sometimes Caroline (my sweet and sassy 5 year old) and I have very “in depth” conversations about life. The other evening she mentioned that her boyfriend wasn’t at the Y because he had to go to the dentist. This led to a very interesting conversation about boys needing to have nice teeth if they are to have girlfriends. This also led to me discussing with Caroline some other important aspects/traits for what she needed to consider in a future partner. I have decided to do an “open letter” so to speak for my darling sassy-pants.
My Dearest Monkey Butt,
As we discussed the other night about boys, I want you to be aware of a few other things you should consider when finding a mate. In no particular order, here are a few points to ponder…
1- Teeth. Obvious due to our conversation the other night, I agree that this is el numero uno on the list. If a boy can’t take care of his teeth, he probably can’t/won’t take care of you like you deserve. So, if he doesn’t brush, tell him to hush.
2- Mode of transportation. If a young man drives a vehicle that requires you to “climb” into it…run like the wind. Yes, we live in the south and “big” trucks are all the rage, but if he is willing to spend more on the tires/lift kit of what the true price of the vehicle they are modified on is….well then, his priorities are not going to be you. Remember, “that dog won’t hunt.”
3- Pets. If he has a truck (with an appropriate height for you to enter) and he lets his dog (or yours) ride in the cab of the truck—not the bed of the truck- he may be a keeper. Again, I know this is the land of the hunter, but if he is going to tie a dog to a metal box, in a truck, that will be cruising at more than “slow” speeds, you may want to consider how you fall into this priority of treatment.
4- Dirty hands. While he should wash them before he touches you (reminder…he will NOT be touching you), eats his food, or shakes your parents hands, dirty hands are a sign of hard work and I can respect that.
Sidebar: if he works a “desk” job and his hands are always funky, well….girlie, you know what to do.
5- Parents. Just remember we are your parents. We have learned from our own trials and tribulations so when we give you advice, please do not think we are total dumbasses as we are not…we just do not want you to learn the hard way, like we had to at times if we can help it.
6- Job. I am not for judging a man by his income, but remember to judge him by his work ethic. A hard worker is hard to find nowadays, so if he is willing to work hard to provide, I support. Now, if he works “hard” at being a titty-club promoter, well, yea…he isn’t the one.
7- Be judgmental. Yes, you heard me. Own it…I do! I do tell you not to judge…and I believe that. Now here comes the part where you will say “mom is a big hypocrite, or is losing her mind.” I do not want you to judge others based on what you perceive or do not know, but if you KNOW the truth and it is backed by law-proven fact….feel free to not feel guilty for being judgmental. I do not know how else to word it, but I will be lying if I tell you it is not how I see things at times.
8- Laughter. As funny as you are, he should be funny as well. While you may not want to have dueling comedians in the house, you do want someone who understands and appreciates your wicked sense of humor. If he cannot laugh with you, or make you laugh, please factor this in to the overall vote. Now, if he laughs when small children or the elderly fall in public, well….he is an ass. If he laughs when this population farts in public, then he will fit in to our crew just fine.
9- Reliability. Like a good fitting bra, your partner should be supportive and reliable. If you need him and call him, he needs to answer his phone. Especially if you are in a time of need that he is well aware of. He also should be able to assist you when you need him. Now, you do not need to rely on anyone to do anything for you—you will not be raised like that- but although you can do things (use tools, change tires, operate heavy machinery –yes, these are things you will be able to do) doesn’t mean you HAVE to do them all of the time. If you are out, and get a flat tire, he should be able to change it. Although you know how, he needs to do it. Now, if he “lets” you change it, go ahead…and then drive him to the nearest playground and drop his wussy ass off to go play on the swings with the other babies.
10- Finally…follow your heart, but don’t be blinded by the BS. You will know a good man when you meet one. The best part is (and ok, this is not really the “best” part because it pulls in how you learn about it) that you will also know the crappy ones, so when a good one comes around you will have a better understanding on how things should be.
I love you with all of my heart and only want the best for you. Also remember, that I have lovely friends who work for the prison system, I am Italian, your grandfather is a former Special Forces maniac, your father shot his own toe off, and well…I am not scared to take a man down if I have to.
Mommy
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